D~Day!

Start thesis & work towards registration

The reunion officially starts tomorrow when everyone arrives, but I have just landed in Orlando and am now waiting on the roommate who lives here and opens her house to us each time. Belle and I are in the land of humidity!

Among all of the goals, I wanted to create a new life that fit the new person I inevitably became after these losses. I wanted to accept the change towards a new life - a change I did not ask for or want. I wanted to become healthier so I could feel like me again and have the abilities I once had. I wanted to have a sanctuary for home and a support system to share the good and the bad with.

And all of this became challenged with the demands and draining from a negative work environment. As I was recovering from a second relationship that turned abusive, I went to work for an abusive boss. In situations of being misused, so many claim that you 'shouldn't give them the power'. This statement seems so absent to me. It is not about giving any of your power - it is about empowering yourself to distance yourself - to reach a place of safe harbor so the demeaning behavior cannot continue. This empowerment quickly lessens when you are too sick to support yourself. This empowerment waivers when you need a paycheck - and cannot find another willing to give you one.

But by the grace of God, I held my ground in not seeing my fiance again - despite his requests to become friends. I have been blessed to be invited to join another company - that provides benefits, more pay, and praise.

Finishing a thesis was not feasible in these past 90 days, because starting it was not feasible. I fought to survive - just survive - with continued and repeated exposure to being berated in front of peers and patients, feeling that pit in my stomach every time my phone rang, and being threatened to lose my job if I did not gracefully take my pay cut and work more physically demanding hours despite my continually failing health. I struggled to pay bills with my paycheck often being shorted what was owed. I struggled to get through a day with less than 10-11 hours of sleep paired with my 10-12 hour work days. 

But the miracle I prayed for came. My lifeboat came for me and I was able to escape. 

And now I am recovering - my cold is clearing, my fatigue is not as heavy, and most importantly - I have peace of mind throughout the day and do not shutter when my phone makes a noise! I feel confident that I have the financial support needed to complete my thesis. I have health benefits if I have any health set back during this project. I have a job that supports a healthy work-life balance. I am going to spend time with my old roommates with the assurance that I will have a paycheck - and my job is encouraging it! My needs were not being met with assurance on a daily basis. With this new positive work environment, I am confident that I can have that base of the pyramid and can focus on the next step to rebuilding. 

1 Day ~ Where a great warm welcome will be waiting for me..

Establish a support system

Going through grief is hard. 

I have been watching my coworker experience her father in hospice care, waiting and anticipating what I now call 'the change'. It is exhausting. It is an endless sea of unpredictable emotions - of all kind - that consume you. Each person's journey, each time it happens, is unique. Yet, the most blatant difference between her experience and mine is that she is not going through it alone.

In her time of waiting and watching her father's life end, her significant other has supported her. She has been bonding with her mother and siblings as they all spend time together. She has had her friends and future in-laws make time simply being with her. Every time I check in with her, she always says, "I couldn't imagine going through this alone."

It makes me so happy for her. It also brings about a pain - because when my grandfather died, my fiance left. When I reached out to my family, they said they did not want to have to be in touch. Friends didn't know what to say or do - some rejected me for my choice in not ignoring the pain, so I had very few to turn to. Work peers were in survival mode just trying to survive the negativity of our work environment - most did not notice the many times I had to excuse myself facing a grief burst from hearing a train in the background or having a patient ask about my family.

In the shock of it all - during the holidays - I had nowhere to turn. My moments of simply being were alone. Belle snuggled with me and licked my tears - and the tears continued to pour out as I felt so abandoned. The pain was unbearable. By the grace of God, I barely got through it, and it was all such a blur, I really don't know how.

I grew up knowing without a doubt that my Pop-Pop loved me unconditionally and selflessly. With his passing and the rejections and disregard felt from others, I no longer felt that sense of comfort that someone out there loves me. I just felt empty and numb.

I have no shame or fear in being alone. Thankfully, I love myself and am comfortable in my own company. As humans, we are not designed to be alone. As me, I was wired to be quite social! People want my time and attention when I am 'fun and easy'. But to find people who will be there through the trying and tough times is a difficult challenge. It is the people that love you through the hard times - and do not relish on your downfall or criticize your pain but truly support and hope for a positive recovery - that really define family.

Last Thanksgiving, my family died.

I felt orphaned. It was just me and Belle.

There was no one to visit and receive unconditional acceptance anymore. No more letters and surprise gifts in the mail box. No more hugs and holding my shoulder as he looks me in the eye and points to me saying, "Machts gute" (PA Dutch for Be Good). And just one extra person to miss - except I miss him the most.

This experience has purely broken me. I have learned the art of not sharing with others unless they ask - because if they don't ask, the chances are likely that they are not interested in the answer - and will likely not be around later to check in and see if the feelings are still the same. I have lost my innocence and learned that there are bad people out there - no matter how much good harbors inside of them, if they choose negative demeaning behavior most of the time, they are not a good person in the story of my life - and it is not ok to keep them in my story.

The fact that I have struggled supporting myself and struggled to find a support in the process has humiliated me. There have been so many moments where I almost gave up. I never contemplated taking my life - there was something about that concept that I could not feel at peace with. But I was very open to giving up trying to continue to survive and improve my health, just waiting out to the end of my days. Belle gave me true inspiration to keep trying - even with all of my failures. I am her Pop-Pop.

My heart is healing.

While it is something to celebrate I have survived these losses I did not come out the same person. Much of my grief is the journey to accept the loss of my innocence and naive self that I loved so much.

I still want to be that person that loves too much - it makes sense to me that the world would benefit if we ALL loved a little more. I love the part of me that is extremely loving and trusting. Now, I practice being cautious before befriending someone - which means no fast friendships because I will observe their intentions and integrity for a long time before offering my vulnerabilities (if I do at all).

My goal was to find a support system, to at least establish a dependable network with a group of positive people. I have been blessed to have this goal accomplished.

After the holidays, in January, I started going to a grief support group and took a third job working as a personal trainer to an old client. The group has been a tremendous help. If I did not attend a meeting, they called, emailed, texted - and when they learned I was sick they offered help. That brought SO much comfort to know I could seek help and get a response. My new client took me in as family. I joined their dinner table for holidays and family meals - and they asked how my health was on a regular basis. Their kindness and acceptance has been so important in my healing. I am so thankful for them.

3 Days ~ Inner Beauty with True Health

Get healthy again to express my inner beauty

My 90 day goal was to look like myself again. My hope was to get back to my old fitness level and not need to take these pills. During this time, I was unable to lower my dosage and had to switch to a stronger steroid. The rounding in my face is still there - yet it is me being my own worst critic. The 'moon face' effect of steroids could be much worse on me. People who see me probably just see my changes and write it off as 'aging'. Most people don't know I am taking a medication to keep up with the masses. 

Nonetheless, I still want to look in the mirror and see me. With drinking (tons) of water - 4.5-6L/day - and the free spa month I won, my complexion is fresher. There is more color in my face. The bags under my eyes are still there, but it has reduced. I have taken a picture of myself every morning (the bed head look) just to see the transformation. The pace some of these changes are going in (and need to go in) is like watching hair grow. The pictures have actually helped me to see the transformation better. I could see the days I was very sick and the extra puffiness in my face as I had to double my cortisol dosage. Looking back on it, it is a bit funny. 

I fit my clothing better. That is such a good feeling. The definition that used to be in my body is not there, but I FEEL stronger - I am good with that. Over the last few years, I have become what feels more conceited as I am more consciously aware of my appearance in my insecurities. I look back on our reunion pictures and I can see the level of unhealthiness in my skin tone and hair (I was malnourished and my hair grew out differently). Then there is my one roommate who has a knack for capturing terrible pictures of me! (I have a suspicion she does this on purpose! She really gets me every time). I am very aware that these pictures will happen and I don't want to see a sick girl in there. 

But it is time to let go of the insecurities. Most people do not have the trained eye I do to see unhealthiness - and I will not be spending time with nurses and doctors as I do in my typical day (this is a vacation from work-related everything!). And, most importantly, I must look beyond the physiology I see and see my real beauty - the niceness and compassion I have that marks my beauty among the beautiful people in the world. This goal of improving my appearance was focused on getting healthier. Perhaps the next goal will focus on increasing my confidence.

4 Days ~ Managing My Survival

Manage my health and restart rowing

In these last four years, I have lived with two people who were smokers (one during the initial sickness and one in the past two years). Both had never smoked inside the house, so it took just about four years to learn that there is something in the cigarettes, even as a remnant on their clothes and skin that challenges my physiological processes and makes the difference between semi-functional and not being able to hold down a job from the constant nausea and uncontrolled hypoglycemia. I now live in a smoke free house and my health has improved. 

I completely took for granted how I was able to eat all day as my physically active self in the pre-sick days. My goal for the Disney reunion was to be able to keep up at the parks without having the effects of needing to sleep a full day or two to recover or crashing midway through. 

I also wanted to be fully ready to start rowing.

I was unable to achieve this goal. It is my hopes that I will be able to withstand the long and active days of park hopping at our reunion and not need a recovery period, but I know that rowing is not something my body is ready for. 

The job I had put a great strain on my body. Where a normal healthy body has a fight or flight response that would still suffer under the negative environment my boss created, my stress response emulated in less than one year what would take most people to express over the course of five years of that strain (as our office manager showed). 

I struggled to have the energy to just keep up with surviving it. I am so grateful to have changed my circumstances - and have a company give me the opportunity to change my circumstances. My boss has been emailing and texting, as well as having my former coworkers email and text, for me to continue answering questions (of which the answers are there in the notes I left behind with my exit interview). I put my foot down and said I no longer work there and it is inappropriate to expect me to be available to them - especially when I am training for my new position. My former boss is pretty upset with me over this. But that negative place is no longer a part of my present. I chose not to respond to them anymore.

I will get my healthy body back. I am looking forward to that day - and I know it will come soon. My Disney roommates have a half marathon planned for next February. I can sign up for rowing in the fall. Perhaps I should start another 90-day goal purely focused on my health this time.

Even though I did not meet my goal to restart rowing, I did meet my goal to manage my health. The medication routine I am on is working thus far, and in two months I will have health insurance to be able to go back to the doctors. I now work in a facility that has a microwave and a fridge! AND I am welcome to eat as I need to instead of getting yelled at for having food and making the office 'smell like food' (even with brown-bagged sandwiches). I can rest when I need to - because they trust I will do my job. 

I have had so many set backs in the past two years of trying to regain my health. Each obstacle was more than an obstacle of excuses - it was something that put me back into survival mode as I scrimmaged to keep access to safe shelter and food. 

So, here is to celebrating managing my health by not allowing others to harm it. Here is to another 90 days to reach the other half of my goal and get back on the water. I am not going to just survive anymore!

5 Days ~ Float Like a Butterfly

90 Day Goal for the Spiritual Self:

Accept my losses and find peace in my new life

After many losses, I have a new way of looking at the world. My 90-day goals I have been developing have helped me to accept the enormous change in my life. In the losses and rejections, I have doubted my good, capabilities, degree of being loveable, and whether I will be able love - or feel anything - again.

This is a new life. I will always love those that have left and died. In everything I do, I will honor the good ones by keeping them alive in my heart. I will have family celebrations and traditions for anniversaries and memorials, but my life will continue to move and grow.

I used to have this undying faith that all was right in the world when we stayed connected to that universal power and pursued that purpose and talent we were born with. I have no interest in losing my faith - but it has been shaken.

I miss my losses everyday, especially my Pop-Pop. I am at peace with his death, but I have begin to feel comfort and love for my new life and self.

The shock is over, and I am ready to come out of my cocoon.

My goal was to feel acceptance with missing these people and my old life that no longer exist - and love the new self that I am growing into. I did not know if I would get there in 90 days, but I feel that inner peace again. Grief has been such a long and treacherous journey. I would be kidding myself to consider it over - as it never truly goes away. But I am ok with the moments of missing someone so much it causes grief bursts, and I have learned to identify the triggers and how to handle them so my day does not come to a stop.

I am at peace.

I am ready to be a butterfly.

6 Days ~ The Final Goals

1 Week to Go!
Goals

The Spiritual Self

Health

Appearance

House

Relationships

Career

The first phase of reaching these goals involved transforming my lifestyle and following daily tasks and my checklist.

In Phase Two, the focus is to transform from surviving to thriving by acknowledging where I am now to making that good foundation.

But in the last phase, the magic happens. The transformation becomes more visible, and I become a new person with my 90-day goals: 

• Accept my losses and find peace in my new life
• Manage my health and restart rowing
• Get healthy again to express my inner beauty
• Organize and declutter my home
• Establish a support system
• Start thesis & work towards registration

7 Days ~ A Strong Foundation to Build On

I had my second day of my new job today. It is SO different! We started with a monthly quality assurance meeting - and it was an actual structured meeting (with TONS of 'Good Jobs!' thrown around - not to mention a celebration for birthdays for me and another coworker). The problems were addressed - no one pointed fingers or devalued anyone's abilities, we just discussed how to fix it (and most of it was already fixed before the meeting). And then later in the day, coworkers came back getting teary-eyed talking about how great it is to work there and telling me how I am in such a great place. It is just so comforting to have something that feels reliable.

I am ready to start my thesis - my training for this position will be complete by the time I come back from Disney. I will have TIME and peace of mind (and my health will not be challenged everyday). My old boss has had the staff contact me two days in a row trying to get me to do more work for him - everything he needs is all in one spot where I showed everyone. I am setting my boundary - he is a part of my past. I was invited to work in the other clinics as a nutrition consultant, so I still have a healthy connection with the franchise owner - and I would be happy to work in the other three clinics anytime (two of the eight who quit transferred to other offices and are happy now). I am so thankful to no longer be a part of the negativity!

I feel more hopeful and confident that I can support myself. I feel hopeful that I will transition out of survival mode. I am ready to take on the next challenge of going back to school, but I have to be responsible. I HAD a boss that is unreliable and unfair, but now that responsibility to pay my bills (with assurance that I can on time because my pay will be delivered on time) is a reality.

My first step towards completing my thesis was to make sure I had some sort of financial stability. I wanted to have a new job by the time I left for Disney. It is such a wonderful feeling to know that goal is accomplished. I am so grateful.